What is love?

Sorry I have not written for such a long time. Unfortunately, my life has been hectic with many tests and obligations, as well as my internet going out for three days. Tonight is Halloween (or rather a couple hours ago it was), and Friday was our Halloween Swing Dancing Party.

I had been planning for weeks for the party. Carving a pumpkin, buying candy, and getting costumes for myself and Ken, the love of my life. Or so I thought. He is not a swing dancer, not by a long shot. In fact, he has come a total amount of one time ever in the years we have been together. I accepted that long ago, but I begged for days to get him to say he would come. Everything was settled and even though my week had totally sucked because of tests, homework and all around stress, it was going to end fantastic because of a great swing party with my great boyfriend. But when I got home from a three hour teaching session, ready to get dressed in our matching outfits, he was attached to his laptop where I had left him several hours before trying to finish an assignment due at midnight. Long story short, he did not come. 

There are very few times in my life I can recall deep, passionate pain, but that was one of them. I couldn't dance, or even pretend to be happy, even though the party was everything I'd hoped it would be and more. I went home at 9:30pm (to see Ken still doing his homework). I couldn't even face him today. 

So it begs the question of what is love. Or moreover, how do you know you are in love?

If I didn't love him, wouldn't his absence not have bothered me, other than a few angry thoughts about his selfishness and irresponsibility in not completing it sooner? Why couldn't I get my mind off the hurt of him betraying his promise? I don't understand it. If I do love him, why can't I really accept that this is how he is always going to be. He will never dance with me, never treat me like an intellectual equal and he will never realize when to stop pushing me until I break and explode. And yet, I must love him. It's like I am in love with who I want him to be, and have convinced myself so much that he will either change, or that he is in fact that person, that I've tricked my heart into loving him.

I don't know. I am so lost. I caught the bouquet at a wedding I went to last week and couldn't help but think how much I wanted to get married to Ken. Now, I can't even tell if he loves me.

By the way, I am up at this ungodly hour because Ken thought it would be funny to clap loudly in my ear to "see if I was really sleeping". I did not find it so funny. I'm staying out of the room in hopes that I'll calm down eventually.